Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say...
Today is the feast of the Annunciation of our Lord. The day the Blessed Mother found out she was pregnant with the Baby Jesus. I somehow thought writing this today would somehow make this easier.
It's been just over a year since you slipped out of our grasp. And to be honest, it is as hard for me today as it was the night you left us. My feelings of pain, anger, disappointment and melancholy are every bit as piercing as when I received that middle of the night call from mommy.
The world continues, of course. Right around the time you were to have been born, your sister had a baby. She named her Isabella and oh what a beautiful little girl she is. When I look at her I see God's love. I see His beauty. In each new little development I am amazed all over again at the miracle of life.
But I also think of you. And I'm left to wonder -- would he have had mommy's beautiful blue eyes and daddy's bald head? Would she have been a happy baby or a fussy one? Could we have come together to be the parents you deserved?
Those answers will never be known.
And the sadness that I am left with defies words.
After we lost you I threw myself into work and my family and anything that could distract me. I told myself that this was me accepting His will and getting on with my life. It has rewarded me professionally and -- partly because of you and partly because of what I saw in mommy and how she is with her family -- I was inspired to get closer to your aunts and uncles and Grandmom that I have been since I moved away. Even now you are still gracing my life. My precious, precious little angel.
Despite what I was telling myself though, the reality was that losing you was simply too painful for me to face. You can never avoid this kind of hurt, though. You just need to bear down and walk through it, trusting He will be there for you on the other end. I am learning that now. The last few months I have been inexplicably angry and restless. It has manifested itself at work, in my personal life -- everywhere. And I was in real danger of letting it derail me into a downward spiral.
But here you are again, gracing me. Inspiring me. I want to live my life in such a way that you would have been proud to call me Daddy. I want to be the man you deserved to have in your life. I may not be that man today but I know I am more that man than I was a year ago -- and that I will be even more so next year. And the next. And every day I have left in my life.
Mommy and I know you are better off never having to have endured the pain, disappointment and frustrations of this world. But the human side of us -- the selfish side -- misses you. The possibility of you.
And we just wish we could have met you one time.
You may never have entered our physical world but you will always be a part of everything we do.
Sleep well, my little baby.
Save me a kiss, a hug, a lifetime.
I love you.
Daddy
