14 March 2010

Focused on the Family, Vol. 2

Hey, you...
You're a child in my head
You haven't walked yet
Your first words have yet to be said

This was supposed to be the post where you were announced to the world.  Customary waiting period over, after a Friday appointment confirming all was in order, I was going to put finger to mouse and post the blog entry that would make your existence known to all but the close friends and family who were aware thus far.


But you slipped away from us in the night.  We'll never know if you were a Truman Hughes or an Emily Grace.  Whether you were to be a doctor or writer, a degenerate gambler or petty thief.  It wouldn't have mattered.  You would have been loved.


When I first learned of you, I'll admit I was freaked out.  "I'm too old for this", "This isn't part of my plan", "But we just broke up!".  I had all the reasons in the world to not want you to happen.  But then I thought of Chelsea, your sister.  And I thought of all the ways my life have been enriched by her presence.  The good, the bad -- none of that matters, for love is not a ledger.  It just is.


So trepidation and dread slowly turned to anticipation and hope.  A new baby.  A chance to get it right.  An unexpected gift.  BabyBates, or BB.


Maybe God couldn't stand to be apart from your soul for more than a few months.  Maybe you're better-placed looking over us than being in our care.  I don't begin to know those answers.  I just know that I am sad.  And I really wish I could have met you.  Because even though you never made it out into this physical world, I believe life begins at the moment of conception and you were -- are -- as real as this keyboard I type on.  


You are my child.  And I love you. 


Fare thee well, BB.  I will see you on the other side.  Save me a kiss, a hug, a lifetime.


--Daddy
Posted by at

1 comment:

  1. KBTuesday, 16 March, 2010

    I know, you're still just a dream
    Your eyes might be green
    Or the bluest that I've ever seen
    Anyway...

    We were not meant to know you. You will only be a dream. Tru or Em...I want you to know that you were wanted and loved.

    I already miss you so much. I've never wanted anything back as much as I want you. My heart is broken into a million pieces. In my head, I try to gather all of those pieces up and put them back together to see a portrait of you, but all I see are fragments of a life that I will never hold. I am so, so sad. I am empty.

    I, too, was unsure about your existence. But it only took moments to realize that God gave you to us, and no matter what, your Daddy and I would love you and put your life before our own. We were scared but not afraid, of giving you a life filled with faith, hope, and love.

    I still wish I could hold you, touch you, smell you, and watch you smile for the first time. I will miss every milestone that I won't see. But I know that your soul is with us. You are looking down on all of us...your dad, your sister, your brother, and me. How can I possibly blame God for wanting you with Him? You must be so special.

    You are in a place that knows no sadness, anger, disappointment, heartbreak, dispair, or hate. I wish I were with you, but I have things to do here first.

    It is really your dad and I that are BLESSED, for we were chosen to carry your sweet soul for the short time we were was given.

    You are my child. And I love you.

    I will see you on the other side my sweet baby. "Save me a kiss, a hug, a lifetime."

    --Mommy

    ReplyDelete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)